Omg do you know that feeling you get when you feel so inspired and motivated? Well right now I am having that feeling 😊
As you will know the last few months of 2019 were very tough on me emotionally, but I know that I have made the right decision to expose my dad the way that I did.
Now there in no negativity hanging over my head and I 100% will make my dreams come true, I will see a few live plays, I will be starting my driving lessons in February which I am really crazy excited about.
I will also start taking time out for just me once a month to get a massage, and my hair and nails done, I am really excited about the future now.
Ok so today I am about as conflicted as anyone person can be with themselves, for the last 2 nights I have been sleeping on the floor in the kids bedroom because my son has been teething really bad, and as a result I haven’t been sleeping well.
Today I fell asleep at 1pm and I can honestly say I would have slept all night if my boyfriend hadn’t woken me up rather rudely at 7pm, calling me lazy and selfish….
Since being awake I have sat in our room in the dark thinking….and I am beginning to wonder if I am putting to much pressure on myself? Am I causing myself so much stress by believing that the kids are soley my responsibility?
All I keep hearing in my head is my boyfriend saying over and over again that I get paid to look after them, am I taking that literally? Is that why I feel guilty everytime I try and take a few minutes a day for myself? Is this why I keep burning myself out trying to get things done?
How can I change and be ok with having a soak in the bath, when wont I feel guilty about having a nap and not get grouchy and snap? When will I believe that it’s ok to want time to myself and be Rachel rather than just mam?
Well I was pleasantly surprised at how well christmas went considering all of the drama that has gone on in the lead up to the special day.
I mean me no longer talking to my parents, not being able to afford more than one gift each, I know it’s not about the quantity of gifts, but being together as a family is really important, for me personally it’s all about family.
I’m sure I’m not the only parent who wishes that they could give their kids everything that they want but it’s just not possible.
Anyway I am already beginning to plan next Christmas, I am so determined that my kids will enjoy the spirit of christmas, not just presents under the tree but the trimmings as well, I will take them out to look at the Christmas lights and play christmas music and have a full blown traditional christmas.
There will be no more last minute shopping for me next year and my boyfriend will have more than one gift as well next year.
I will also begin really focussing on Acti as well, no more holding myself back, no more allowing self doubt to dictate to me how my life is going to be bring on 2020 I’m ready.