Feeling Amazing

Omg I am so freaking happy 😊 literally one week into my Herbalife Journey and already seeing amazing results πŸ™‚πŸ™‚πŸ™‚πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜

Feeling Amazing

I am so excited now to see my results in the next week xx

A new Journey and Feeling Amazing πŸ™‚

Ok so I have started a new journey with Herbalife and I have to be honest since starting on the products I feel amazing xxx kit as lethargic as I used to feel, I officially started on Wednesday and it is army official weigh in day tomorrow, now I know I’m not going to be seeing huge results in a few days but I’m excited to see what changes have happened.

I have increased my water intake quite a bit managing between 2-2.5litres of water a day, was 500ml short yesterday, but I am on target today and that’s the main thing, need to seriously get into my meal prep and eating decent proteins rich meals.

I’m scared about posting these images but I need to be 100% honest with myself if I am going to seriously make the changes I need to make, these are my starting weight and before pics.

This is my starting point I am very happy to have started this journey and I am determined to loose the weight.. I know it won’t be easy but nothing worth having/that will benefit me is easy to come by, I finally have a support network behind me who is supporting me and giving me amazing recipe ideas.

Even my boyfriend is like ok let’s get fresh meat, fruit and veggies in, we are also going to be buying a steamer πŸ™‚ this I am crazy excited about because I love steamed chicken, rice and veggies πŸ™‚πŸ˜

Back on Track

Yay it feels amazing to finally be back on track πŸ™‚ changes take a while to adjust to but I’m getting there.

Today I took my daughter down to the hospital regarding the turn in her eye and she has to wear an eye patch for 2 hours a day to try and strengthen the sight in that eye a bit more.

Then we went to Aberdare done food shopping, got some snacks in and just had a chilled out day xx

Feeling content at the moment

Well I have to say after my initial blog I am feeling content, feel in control of my emotions and even managing not to be stressing out about the kids bed time routine, don’t get me wrong I have wanted to reach out to my mam but then I remember why I cant, and although it hurts I know that I have made the correct decision and I need to accept it and move on and allow myself to feel happy.

I have been punishing myself for years and that seriously needs to end right now, it’s ok not to be ok and need time for me, that isn’t being selfish, being selfish is continuing to ignore my own feelings, feeling like I do not deserve to be happy, and that what’s gone on is my fault, I didn’t instigate my dad to do what he done, he didn’t listen when I said no, the problem is his not mine.

I have started belly dancing today just basic shimmies and hip drops that I am going to be focusing on, I also have a mini routine that I am going to be working on as well, I already feel more empowered and a little more confident but I definitely have a very long way to go before I am where I want to be, but I’m moving forward and that’s the main thing.

Self Reflection

Ok so I don’t even know where to start with this…. There is so much that needs unravelling and I honestly don’t know where to start…there has just been so much mental trauma that I have gone through having had to be strong for everyone else in my family and when I finally plucked up the courage to speak out about this trauma my parents and brother abandoned me 😭 this has hurt me so much more than the actual trauma itself tbh, so I suppose I should start at the beginning to try and unravel everything.

When I was seven years old my parents packed me and my brother’s up and moved us to Scotland, that’s when my unhappiness begun tbh, I was constantly bullied in school and was always a loner, my dad mentally, physically and emotionally abused me and my brothers, by saying nasty horrible and down right evil things to us…..he often called me stupid, thick and pathetic, this was often accompanied with several slaps and hair pulling.

I was often denied drinks of water, gone without food and spent many hours in my room just hating myself, as I said earlier it wasn’t just me that this happened to it was my two brothers as well, one is older and one is younger I will be referring to them by their middle names Hayden and Lee.

Hayden is my oldest brother and like me was often subject to mental and emotional abuse from my dad, now as a result of this and little guidance from either parent he subsequently became a heroine addict, smoking it not injecting it, how did this impact me? Well when I started working Hayden started pressuring my mam for me to give him money so he could buy his drugs, this happened every week so in the end I would pay lodgings to my parents and the rest would go to Hayden, I always went without so mam could have a quiet life.

Then there is my younger brother Lee, poor mite had as tough a time as me, he was bullied everyday in School much like me, then he started exposing himself in public in a cry for help that fell on deaf ears until it was to late, he would run away and think it was funny to watch as me and my mam was out at 3am looking for him, while this was happening ‘dad’ would be sat at home reading the newspaper while drinking a cup of tea.
When Lee started getting into trouble at school and mam had to attend meetings, I would also have to attend every single meeting..I essentially became the other parent, dad just didn’t care, Lee was eventually put into residential care and my parental duties of attending meetings, visiting Lee in care continued, he eventually released into his own home miles away from his family and no idea on how to manage on his own.

Anyway as a result he made false friends who took full advantage of him and made fun of him, anyway one of these ‘friend’s visited his home and goaded him and he pushed her, sadly this resulted in her falling hitting her head and loosing her life, Lee was just 14 years old at the time and never denied what happened, and was sentenced to life imprisonment with a minimum of 25 years before he could be considered for parole.

Now back to me….When I was 12 years old my ‘dad’ and I use that term loosely because even though he makes up 50% of my DNA he couldn’t have viewed me as his daughter to do to me what he done…. He started to sexually molest me, I felt digusted, horrible and started overeating for comfort and in the hopes that he would find me disgusting and stop  touching me but he never did, I never wanted to be alone with him but unfortunately it happened sometimes and he took full advantage of the moments he could get me alone 😭

This was happening when Hayden was suffering with his addiction and Lee was going through his issues so obviously I had to suffer in silence, and be strong for them, so I was being bullied at school and going home and suffering at ‘dads’ hands as well, I developed a pure hatred, Anger and resentment towards myself that sadly still lingers today, I am trying to find ways of changing this but unless I deal with the underlying issues this self hatred towards myself won’t go away.I

The abuse finally ended when I moved out aged 22, but by then the mental and emotional damage had already been done, I have finally have access to therapy which is a step in the correct direction, but I still have a very long way to go but one step at a time xx